View Full Version : *Official* Joke Thread
stoptherockets94
08-14-2008, 06:25 PM
http://img381.imageshack.us/img381/5961/roflhs4.gif (http://imageshack.us)Official Jokes Threadhttp://img381.imageshack.us/img381/5961/roflhs4.gif (http://imageshack.us)
Rules -
Please do not post racist/obscence jokes.
Do not double post (put more than one joke in your post)
Text cannot be larger than 3
No Links
My Jokes -
The 911 Call -
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.
The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up there?"
I will add more!
A Bill Gates Joke -
One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above NewJersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, BillGates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began tofill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you; you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, dude. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
The Wino -
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
Make My Donkey Laugh -
A man drove to a bar, he saw a poster on the wall saying 'If you make my donkey laugh you win $1,000".. So the man decided to have a go. He asked the manager 'Can I make your donkey laugh?" The manager replied "Sure, I doubt you'll be able too..." The man was optimistic and still wanted to try and so he did.
The man said something to the donkey and the donkey could NOT stop laughing! The manager went to the man 'Howd'ya do that?", the man replied "Give me my money first, then I will tell you". So the manager did. The man quickly ran out.
The next day the man went back to the bar. As he sneaked in he noticed a poster saying "If you make my donkey cry, you get $1,000". So once again he tried. He went to the manager, and the manager said "Hey, you never told me how you made it laugh!?" The man replied "I will not unless you let me make it cry". The manager agreed. The man this time done something and the donkety was in tears!
The man went back into the bar and the manager siad "Right, now how the heck did you make it cry!?!?!?" The man replied give me my momey and I will tell you how. The manager said NO! The man resisted and said, to make it laugh I said "I bet my D--k is bigger then yours, the manager replied, 'Right, then to make it cry? The man said, "I simply showed him"
The Worst Day Of My Life
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
stoptherockets94
08-14-2008, 06:25 PM
Saving This For Later
stoptherockets94
08-14-2008, 06:26 PM
Saving This For Later!
BypassHacker
08-14-2008, 06:28 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road?
RQgamer
08-14-2008, 06:29 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road?
why???????
Rocket... Always making such good threads
anyways
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
BypassHacker
08-14-2008, 06:30 PM
why???????
TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!!!:lol2
to prove that it wasn't a rooster
to get the chinese newspaper
manbearpig123987
08-14-2008, 06:30 PM
Rocket... Always making such good threads
anyways
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
hahahahahahhahaha that's good.
travisneil69
08-14-2008, 06:32 PM
what do you call a dog with no legs???????????/any **** thing you want to it's still not goin to come to you
can you also post riddiles
stoptherockets94
08-14-2008, 06:35 PM
what? do you call it?
BypassHacker
08-14-2008, 06:35 PM
can you also post riddiles
OOOH OOH I LOVE RIDDLES!!!!x|
Heres a funny one
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
stoptherockets94
08-14-2008, 06:40 PM
Heres a funny one
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
lol I like that one!
RQgamer
08-14-2008, 06:47 PM
heres a funey one too well to me!
ok theres 3 nuns and one day they found a magic lamp then they took it in and washed it and then rubbed it, then a magic genie appeared then the genie said to the 3 nuns "since there are three of you i shall grant you each one wish" then the nuns agreed to it the first nun wished "I wish i could fall in a big pile of money!" then she fell in a big pile of money the second nun said "I wish i can fall in a bigger pile of money" then she fell in the bigger pile of money, then the last nun said while walking forward she said "I wish for me to fall in the biggest pile of" the she tripped and said "c.r.a.p!" and she landed in a the biggest pile of c.r.a.p!:D:p
srry saying c.r.a.p!:p
TIPPMANNHITMAN
08-14-2008, 06:56 PM
Rocket... Always making such good threads
anyways
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
haha very nice
RQgamer
08-14-2008, 06:59 PM
ok wears green, runs for a career and you see him almost all the time?
BypassHacker
08-14-2008, 07:01 PM
ok wears green, runs for a career and you see him almost all the time?
dollar bill?
RQgamer
08-14-2008, 07:03 PM
no the lucky charms guy!
thats what I thought (imeant the dollar bill thing.)
RQgamer
08-14-2008, 07:05 PM
it was a joke that wasnt supposed to be funny it was a riddle
ravstar11
08-14-2008, 07:05 PM
A man drove to a bar, he saw a poster on the wall saying 'If you make my donkey laugh you win $1,000".. So the man decided to have a go. He asked the manager 'Can I make your donkey laugh?" The manager replied "Sure, I doubt you'll be able too..." The man was optimistic and still wanted to try and so he did.
The man said something to the donkey and the donkey could NOT stop laughing! The manager went to the man 'Howd'ya do that?", the man replied "Give me my money first, then I will tell you". So the manager did. The man quickly ran out.
The next day the man went back to the bar. As he sneaked in he noticed a poster saying "If you make my donkey cry, you get $1,000". So once again he tried. He went to the manager, and the manager said "Hey, you never told me how you made it laugh!?" The man replied "I will not unless you let me make it cry". The manager agreed. The man this time done something and the donkety was in tears!
The man went back into the bar and the manager siad "Right, now how the heck did you make it cry!?!?!?" The man replied give me my momey and I will tell you how. The manager said NO! The man resisted and said, to make it laugh I said "I bet my D--k is bigger then yours, the manager replied, 'Right, then to make it cry? The man said, "I simply showed him"
:p.
RQgamer
08-14-2008, 07:07 PM
A man drove to a bar, he saw a poster on the wall saying 'If you make my donkey laugh you win $1,000".. So the man decided to have a go. He asked the manager 'Can I make your donkey laugh?" The manager replied "Sure, I doubt you'll be able too..." The man was optimistic and still wanted to try and so he did.
The man said something to the donkey and the donkey could NOT stop laughing! The manager went to the man 'Howd'ya do that?", the man replied "Give me my money first, then I will tell you". So the manager did. The man quickly ran out.
The next day the man went back to the bar. As he sneaked in he noticed a poster saying "If you make my donkey cry, you get $1,000". So once again he tried. He went to the manager, and the manager said "Hey, you never told me how you made it laugh!?" The man replied "I will not unless you let me make it cry". The manager agreed. The man this time done something and the donkety was in tears!
The man went back into the bar and the manager siad "Right, now how the heck did you make it cry!?!?!?" The man replied give me my momey and I will tell you how. The manager said NO! The man resisted and said, to make it laugh I said "I bet my D--k is bigger then yours, the manager replied, 'Right, then to make it cry? The man said, "I simply showed him"
:p.
LMAO that ones funny!
vallu
08-14-2008, 07:08 PM
:lol Character Limit FTW
I have a joke book of good jokes I could go all day if I wanted
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
RQgamer
08-14-2008, 07:12 PM
heres a hard riddle ok
whats gray and people use it everyday?
vallu
08-14-2008, 07:13 PM
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
This is my favorite joke.
ravstar11
08-14-2008, 07:17 PM
Whats got millions of holes in it and people wear it everyday?
RQgamer
08-14-2008, 07:18 PM
LMAO man thats funny!
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
This is my favorite joke.
ROFLMFAOLOLLMFAO THATS SO FRIGGIN FUNNY!
RQgamer
08-14-2008, 07:18 PM
Whats got millions of holes in it and people wear it everyday?
a shirt?????
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
This ones pretty funy
timmy101_
08-14-2008, 07:22 PM
ur skin ftw man
vallu
08-14-2008, 07:24 PM
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
This ones pretty funy
HAHA Thats a good one!
baseball1332
08-14-2008, 07:44 PM
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
This is my favorite joke.
HAHA I'M THE BUS DRIVER!!
LMFAO!
Nice dude, that's funny!
stoptherockets94
08-14-2008, 08:26 PM
Hippie : (Pulls Of Mask) Ha ha I am the hippie!
Nun : (Pulls Of Mask) ha ha I am the bus driver!
vallu
08-14-2008, 08:37 PM
Hippie : (Pulls Of Mask) Ha ha I am the hippie!
Nun : (Pulls Of Mask) ha ha I am the bus driver!
Best ending ever ^^ /Thread
timmy101_
08-14-2008, 08:40 PM
post more jokes plz
ravstar11
08-14-2008, 10:28 PM
Ok timmy :thumbs!
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
timmy101_
08-14-2008, 11:31 PM
thank you rav howz ur career goin and do u make money off it
ravstar11
08-15-2008, 01:09 AM
Uhm, well yea' that was random...*giggles*. My modeling is fine, just finished a shoot ;). Yes I make money from modeling...of course I would lol. Although it does remind me when I started 6 years ago doing voluntery stuff, but no more lol :p.
timmy101_
08-15-2008, 01:13 AM
Uhm, well yea' that was random...*giggles*. My modeling is fine, just finished a shoot ;). Yes I make money from modeling...of course I would lol. Although it does remind me when I started 6 years ago doing voluntery stuff, but no more lol :p.
cuz i waz readin yo sig wat do u wit yo money dude
ravstar11
08-15-2008, 01:14 AM
Looooool, well thanks. I'm saving for a house in Tampa, Fl. ;).
timmy101_
08-15-2008, 01:17 AM
Looooool, well thanks. I'm saving for a house in Tampa, Fl. ;).
o cuz oh neva mind let me get anotha round of jokez plz
ravstar11
08-15-2008, 01:19 AM
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."
timmy101_
08-15-2008, 01:23 AM
u knoe im supa sure their werent supposed to be any sex or racial jokes posted but im luvin it give me more
ravstar11
08-15-2008, 01:29 AM
It is not, it is just a fact that some people from certain places speak in a different dialouge compared to others ;). I'm gonna' eat now.
timmy101_
08-15-2008, 01:31 AM
oh im not bein serious man idk about da jokes
hightower
08-15-2008, 01:50 AM
Do not double post (put more than one joke in your post)
So why have you yourself made two reserve posts?
stoptherockets94
08-15-2008, 05:37 AM
I am the maker of the thread plus I will need that space for more jokes!
Max Galleio
08-15-2008, 06:45 AM
heres 1. a couple of new jersey hunters are out in the woods, when 1 falls to the ground. he doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled in the back of his skull. the other man whips out his cell phone and calls emergency services.
"hello? whats wrong?" emer. services
"i think my friend is dead" man
"calm down, lets make sure he's dead."
a long silence is heard, then a gunshot.
"Ok now what?"
heres a funny quote
"some people say i'm a terrible person. but thats not true, i have the heart of a child - in a jar, on my desk" stephen king
heres another joke:
1 night a blond is in a bar when the bartenders son swaggers in. after telling the bartender his promotion and raise the bartender tells every1 the drinks are on the house. at this the blpnd ran out and came back with a ladder.
Downin
08-15-2008, 07:08 AM
What do you call a deer with no eyes
No eye deer
(No Idea)
What do you call a deer with no legs
Still no idea
vallu
08-15-2008, 07:17 AM
Looooool, well thanks. I'm saving for a house in Tampa, Fl. ;).
Eww, I hate Tampa. Worst city in FL :D. Orlando and Miami baby.
stoptherockets94
08-15-2008, 08:56 AM
yea I agree vallu
ravstar11
08-15-2008, 10:33 AM
Well it's not Tampa, it's Clearwater, lol. I do not like it a lot either, but it's where Raquel lives so....yea.
regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"
Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
(clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
timmy101_
08-15-2008, 11:13 AM
im guessing she waz a blonde
vallu
08-15-2008, 12:17 PM
Well it's not Tampa, it's Clearwater, lol. I do not like it a lot either, but it's where Raquel lives so....yea.
I live like 30 mins away from clearwater. Saint Pete :D
Snake
08-15-2008, 12:30 PM
Ok I have a joke, its not great but its something.
Ok so one day these CIA agents brought in 3 special trained FBI officers in order to recruit one of them. There were 2 men and a woman. The CIA agent handed a gun to the first FBI agent and told him, your wife is in there tied to a chair, kill her. He refused and was kicked out. The agents handed the gun to the second guy and told him the same thing, he went in but came back out and said he couldn't do it, he was kicked out too. Now they gave the gun to the woman and told her, your husband is in there, and he is tied to a chair, kill him.
She goes in, and the agents hear screaming, gun fire and banging. She comes out with blood all over her. The agents tell her, "the gun was empty" She says "I know, I had to use the chair."
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of *****es who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of *****es who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen."
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Snake
08-15-2008, 12:43 PM
ROFLMAO my friend told me those jokes.
Pieman831
08-15-2008, 01:16 PM
Why does micky mouse wear white gloves? So when you go to disneyland, he can pick your pocket without leaving fingerprints!!!:lol:lol:lol
vallu
08-15-2008, 01:33 PM
Why does micky mouse wear white gloves? So when you go to disneyland, he can pick your pocket without leaving fingerprints!!!:lol:lol:lol
I don't know why but that made me lol.
Snake
08-15-2008, 02:05 PM
I don't know why but that made me lol.
Yeah me lol.
Teddybear
08-15-2008, 03:05 PM
What do you call a nurse with dirty knees?
The head nurse.
:smile
vallu
08-15-2008, 04:02 PM
What do you call a nurse with dirty knees?
The head nurse.
:smile
haha (Txt Limit FTL)
appearingr2d2
08-15-2008, 04:06 PM
My turn
The manager of a large office noticed a new guy one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" the manager asked.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
ANOTHER:
A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.
His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, '....why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why !'
'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic.'
'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg ...no mattah... all same.'
Teddybear
08-15-2008, 04:06 PM
What's that wrinkly thing on Grandma?
Grandpa!
timmy101_
08-15-2008, 04:28 PM
What's that wrinkly thing on Grandma?
Grandpa!
booooo tell another one
Teddybear
08-15-2008, 04:36 PM
Oh I heard that one already lolol.
timmy101_
08-15-2008, 04:48 PM
Oh I heard that one already lolol.
me too i heard it on one sum site
My turn
The manager of a large office noticed a new guy one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" the manager asked.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
ANOTHER:
A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.
His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, '....why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why !'
'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic.'
'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg ...no mattah... all same.'
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
thats pretty close to racism
Teddybear
08-15-2008, 08:26 PM
I didn't get that one.
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